Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
