I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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