Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
A bitchslap is in order.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
