The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize