based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
