do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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