I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
