I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize