wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
