Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
