I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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