FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
