I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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