If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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