Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize