I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
