I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
