This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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