moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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