your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
