sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have tasted many bathrooms
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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