He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
