The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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