somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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