ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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