You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
