So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize