Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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