the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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