I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
