I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
