like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just had sex on a roof
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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