How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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