Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
