Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
