you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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