So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
