I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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