At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You are a genius and a whore.
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