There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize