never play flip cup with pint glasses
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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