Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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