and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
