i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
