That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
