I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
