so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
