i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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