I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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