please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
