You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
