I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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