i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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