I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
