Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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