I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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